Main Article: When Attachment Is Wounded – and Faith Begins to Hurt
A guide for those who long for God but feel tangled in fear, distance, or striving. Your heart’s story matters – and restoration and redemption are possible.
When Attachment Hurts Faith
There are topics we don't want to talk about—simply because they feel too big, too heavy, too personal. Attachment is one of them. Spiritual abuse as well.
And yet: if we don't talk about them, don't engage with them, or—as the Bible puts it—don’t examine our hearts, then what could have healed long ago will only keep repeating itself.
Often, the desire to finally understand is there—but avoidance seems easier, and postponing more comfortable. Emotional wounds leave behind pain. And it feels easier to downplay it or to develop defense mechanisms that protect the injured inner self.
I remember a day that still lingers in my mind.
For weeks, I had been helping a brother from my home church. When he was done, he invited me to breakfast and said:
"I feel indebted to you."
I was speechless. I had never expected anything in return. I had simply given—out of love, out of closeness, out of trust.
But what he had received internally was something entirely different: guilt. Obligation. A sense of debt.
That day, I realized: our hearts had learned entirely different languages.
I believe we’ve all experienced moments like this. Whether it’s the well-meaning phrase:
"I love you in Christ, but I don’t want a friendship with you,"
or:
"Are you trying to buy friends with your generosity?"
… these sentences can hit us like fiery darts. Not because they’re true, but because we gave out of joy, out of community, or from a place of deep values.
But what is it that we’re encountering here? What do such statements actually reveal?
The truth is: they tell us more about the story of the other person than we might expect.
Church as Spiritual Family
For many of us, the word church is tied to family, spiritual home, brothers and sisters in Christ.
And the connotation is beautiful: a safe harbor. A place where I belong, where I am accepted and seen.
But the reality of spiritual family often doesn’t differ much from what many people experience at Christmas: what once stirred a holy longing ends in conflict, simmering tension, and—at worst—emotional or even physical harm.
The ideal shatters, and we’re left helpless before the broken pieces. We ask ourselves: "Was I the problem?"
And the answer is: No.
You were following a hope that reality could not support.
Just as a toddler group doesn’t automatically make you best friends with every other parent just because they also have a baby, and just as a school WhatsApp group or your gym doesn’t become your chosen family—so too, saying "I love you in Christ" is not the end of relationship-building within a church.
Meanwhile, attachment disorders take on strange forms—and all too often, they reactivate past traumas, poison the atmosphere, or create unhealthy dynamics.
There’s the church member who sees every boundary and every no as pride or refusal to serve.
The brother who warns everyone that God will punish disobedience, seeing demons behind every bush.
The sister who never accepts help, even though it's obvious she can’t do it alone anymore.
And those who draw a collective sigh as they walk through the door—because drama and chaos follow in their wake.
Not to forget: the “mature Christian” whose maturity consists mainly of never admitting fault and feeling uniquely chosen because they’ve “always belonged to the church.”
But in between… there are individuals who feel like a fresh, life-giving breeze. Warm, giving, not controlling—they are like a water source in dry land.
None of this is inexplicable or a sign of spiritual immaturity—and certainly not Satan’s curse.
What we’re seeing here is a revealing: attachment patterns linked to a person’s story.
A blueprint for relationships formed in childhood that shapes every future relationship—unless it is healed and understood.
Shocking? Yes.
Unexpected? Not really.
Because human relationships are as flawed as parent-child relationships.
And yet: they are essential.
So let’s take a closer look at the patterns.
I present them because I’ve lived them—through my own journey, through working with attachment-disordered children, and as a former foster mom.
Curious? You should be.
Because these patterns follow us through life—and they shape our relationship with God in profound ways, often without our awareness.
They play a huge part in why we “always fall for the wrong people,” why relationships become complicated, and why wounds happen—often without anyone realizing why.
In short: understanding these dynamics might just lead to a few ›aha moments‹.
Four Attachment Types and Their Impact on Faith
Dr. Dan B. Allender and Dr. Tremper Longman III write in their book The Cry of the Soul: How Our Emotions Reveal Our Deepest Questions about God:
“Is God good? Is God just? Is God faithful? Does God see me?”
How we answer these questions has a lot to do with how we experienced attachment—secure or insecure, available or inconsistent, loving or threatening.
And yes: this defines our relationship with God more than almost anything else.
Attachment is relational.
Our early childhood experiences of connection shape how we see ourselves, how we see others—and ultimately, how we see God.
And because provision, care, and love are always experienced through relationship, our human relationships shape our ability to receive divine love.
The emotional wounds caused by unhealthy or lacking attachment seek healing—and even more: redemption.
But when we search for this in the wrong places, we create new wounds.
And out of wounding: sin.
That’s my core thesis, repeated throughout my writing:
Wounding leads to sin.
Sin leads to more wounding.
Only Jesus can break this cycle—through forgiveness, healing, and restoration.
The Four Types (Based on Bowlby & Ainsworth, Adapted for Faith)
These types are not rigid boxes, but helpful mirrors. There are always mixed forms—but the model can be a strong compass for identifying inner patterns and cultivating compassion toward your own story.
Securely Attached Believers
Experience God’s presence as natural. They trust, feel they belong, and take responsibility.
But they may underestimate grace—or forget that they too need salvation.
Insecure-Ambivalent Believers
Struggle with fluctuations: they long for closeness but doubt their worth.
God’s love feels like a reward to be earned—and quickly lost again.
Insecure-Avoidant Believers
Have learned that closeness is dangerous. They rely on autonomy and spiritual self-sufficiency.
God may help—but must not come too close. Trust is hard. Surrender even harder.
Disorganized Believers
Live in an inner war. They want closeness—and fear it at the same time.
Their relationship with God is marked by deep distrust, fear of punishment, and susceptibility to spiritual control, demon obsession, and extreme systems.
📥 Download the full Study Guide as a PDF:
It includes reflection questions, a psychological overview of the four attachment styles, and a spiritual lens with guided prayers – for honest self-awareness and as an invitation to healing. A free gift to you that may be a blessing …
Leaders carry patterns too:
Avoidant leaders keep their distance in the name of strength.
Ambivalent leaders crave affirmation and approval.
Disorganized leaders create chaos—with spiritual words but no inner anchor.
And the congregation?
Often mirrors exactly what they’ve learned: longing for father figures, people-pleasing, withdrawal, over-spiritualizing.
This creates fertile ground for miscommunication, spiritual clichés, and subtle dependencies.
Usually without bad intent—but with deep impact.
And yet… some abuse is intentional.
Spiritual abuse can be calculated and strategic—where faith is weaponized.
Where people’s need for belonging or safety is exploited.
Where spiritual language is used to exert control, secure power, or generate money.
Not out of brokenness—but out of calculation.
That’s why awareness is crucial.
If you don’t know your own attachment wounds, you won’t see the manipulation.
And where your longing is deepest, deception hits hardest.
Leaving behind the most devastating ruins.
What if we could believe—and lead—differently?
This isn’t about finding culprits.
It’s about beginning again.
For healing structures.
For spiritually mature leadership.
For spaces where real relationship can grow.
Where attachment is broken—restoration is possible.
If we allow it.
And if we learn together what true attachment looks like—with God, and with one another.
Are you ready to look deeper?
I hope so.
Because to expose dark psychology—that binds, controls, manipulates, and deceives—we must first recognize the good:
What is love? What is safety? What is real spiritual maturity?
From awareness comes understanding.
From understanding—wisdom.
From wisdom—resilience.
And from resilience—freedom.
Be blessed. Be covered.
Take your time to reflect.
Everything you need is in the guide.
But the step—you have to take yourself.
Sibylle
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If Alabaster Jar has touched you or helped you on your journey, consider making a small contribution to help me keep writing, translating, and creating healing spaces for others.
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With love and gratitude for any support,
Sibylle.